Aesthetically-Pleasing Warrior, Officer Aries
by Nikira
Summary: For anyone who's seen the Sailor Moon series and felt the enormous blow dealt to the whole feminist movement, this one's for you. Includes some material and language unsuitable for little kids and some lesbians. Enjoy! (Chapters 1-3)
1. O Great, Not Another Sucking Monster!

Appealing Warrior Sailor 

Aesthetically-Pleasing Warrior Officer Aries 

Chapter 1: O Great, Not Another Sucking Monster?! 

"I'm late!I'm late!" Placid Green shouted running towards school.

Another late and she would get a detention, another detention and she would get a suspension and another suspension and she would be screwed.

She sped through the front lot of the school and headed straight for the front doors.She noticed that no one was around.

School must have already started.

She ran into the door, expecting to push it open but instead slammed into it, falling back on the ground.

"Ow!" she cried, lying on the floor in pain, her face red.

"Why didn't anyone tell me it's Saturday?!" Placid shouted, storming into her house.

"You didn't ask," her younger sister, Rae-Ann said.

"Shut up, brat!" she shouted, kicking at her and missing.

"Mom!" Rae-Ann shouted.

"Placid, phone," her mother called from the kitchen.

"I got it," she said, running into the kitchen after sticking her tongue out at her sister, "Hello?"

"Hey, Placid, are you still coming over to study?" her best friend, Jodi White asked.

"Study?!" Placid whined, "But it's Saturday, Jodi, can't I have a day off?"

"Okay, if you really don't want to," Jodi said, "Bye."

Placid hung up, getting out of studying with Jodi seemed easier than usual.Maybe she was just getting smarter.

"Did it work?" Charlotte Black asked once Jodi got off the phone.

Jodi nodded, "She definitely won't be coming anywhere near us today."

"Good," Nina Brown said with relief, "I don't think I can take anymore of her.We have to figure out a way to get rid of her."

"But girls, Placid is the leader," their imaginary black ram, Buck said to them, "You can't get rid of her."

"There's no other choice, Buck," Allison Gray argued, "She's incompetent."

"Irresponsible!"

"Idiotic!"

"Incontinent!"

They all looked at Nina.

"I couldn't think of any more bad 'I' words," she said shrugging, "So anyway, back to the topic, what are we going to do about her?"

"There's only one thing we can do," Charlotte said, standing up.

"What?Stand up?" Allison asked confused.

"Muwahahahaha!" a sinister voice boomed in the dark office.

"Sir?" a young man wearing glasses and a suit asked, turning on the lights, "Why is it so dark in here?And why are you laughing maniacally?"

"Sit down Egor," the man at the desk said, "I have devised yet another brilliant scheme to destroy this city."

"That's great sir," Egor said, "But why is it so funny?"

"Huh?No, I was reading this comic strip," he said holding up the newspaper, "Anyway, once I'm done, this city and those pathetic Zodiac Officers will be gone forever!" he pressed a button on his desk console, "Vampyra, I summon thee!"

A buxom shapely woman rose from the middle of the office floor.She was clothed in a skimpy black satin leotard and a flowing black cape.

"Vampyra," the man said, "Go and do my bidding!"

"Yes master," she said bowing and then disappeared.

"Muwahahahahahaha," the man started laughing again, "Hahahahahaha-"

"Uh…sir," Egor interrupted, "Did you tell her what exactly your bidding was?"

He stopped, "Damn."

As the girls argued about what to do over Placid, Jodi's compact started beeping.

"Oh no," she exclaimed, "That's the Zodiac distress signal.Another monster must have been unleashed on the city.We've got to get there!"

"Right, let's go girls!" Charlotte said, running out of the room with the rest of the girls and Buck behind her.

"Wait, what about Placid," Allison said, "Should we call her?"

"No way," Charlotte answered, "We don't need her messing it up!"

"Come on Placid!" Rae-Ann shouted, "Get out of the shower!" 

"Give me a second Rae-Ann!" she yelled from inside the bathroom.

As Placid ignored her sister's insistent banging on the door, her blanket glowed softly as her beeping compact lit up underneath.

Vampyra walked down the streets of town, window-shopping.She wasn't exactly sure what her master's bidding was so she decided to get him a present.

Hmm, what would he like?A tie, golf clubs?

As she was thinking a young child bumped into her as she was running down the street.

"Help!Help!He's going to kill me!" the young girl shouted.

"What's wrong, little girl?" Vampyra asked, stopping to help.

"That man," she said, pointing to the sinister looking man approaching, "He's going to kill me!"

"Don't worry," Vampyra said, standing in front of the girl, "I'll protect you."

"Hold it right there, you doom and gloom fashion victim!" a voice shouted from behind her

Vampyra turned around._Oh great._

She sighed, "Not that I'm eager to see you dorks, but at least you can help this little gi-"

"We're not going to help you in any of your evil schemes to rob children of their innocence!" the young woman in an incredibly short red police officer's uniform said, "I am Officer Scorpio and I protect the innocent dreams of children!"

"What?" Vampyra said confused, "That's great but-"

"I am Officer Aquarius and I protect the free hearts of lovers everywhere!"

"Who cares?!" Vampyra said throwing up her hands, "Listen, this girl-"

"You stay away from that little girl," the one in green said, "I am Officer Taurus and I will punish anyone who tries to take away the hopes of little girls like this one," she took the girl's hand, "Here you go, sweetie, back to your daddy," she handed the girl over to the suspicious looking man.

"Wait!" she screamed as the man dragged her off, "That's not my fa-"

"Don't thank us little one," Officer Taurus said waving, "Just doing our job."

The girl in the orange uniform waited impatiently, "Can I do mine now?"

"Oh yeah, sure," Taurus said, getting back in position.

"Right.I am Officer Virgo and I fight for true love and evil fashion rejects like you who try to hurt the innocent really piss me off!"

"What are you talking about?!I wasn't doing any-"

"We are the Zodiac Officers!" they said in unison, striking different poses, "And you are going down!"

"Riiight," Vampyra said, backing away, "Okay, I'm going to go now because you four are crazy."

She turned away but was stopped by Officer Scorpio.

"Not so fast," Scorpio said, "Scorpio sting burn!"

Vampyra was hit with a hot burning sensation as she fell backward on the ground.

"Hey!" she shouted, getting up, "That hurt!"

"Taurus bull charge!" 

Then she was hit with a blunt force that knocked her to the ground once again.The attacks weren't really that painful but they were just annoying and a waste of her time.She rose angrily.

"Okay, fine," she shouted, "If you bitches want to play rough…" she lifted her cape and shrouded the whole area with darkness, blinding them to everything.

"It's completely dark!"

"I can't see a thing!"

"Okay, can we stop stating the obvious," Aquarius said, "Let's think of a rational way out of this."

"Taurus bull charge!"

"Ahh!" Virgo screamed as the force of power hit her.

"Okay, Taurus, shooting blindly into the dark probably isn't a good idea," Aquarius told her.

"I wish I could use my light burst to get us out of this," Virgo said.

"Why can't you Virgo?" Scorpio asked.

"Oh…I guess I can."

The other three girls face-faulted.

"My bad," she said smiling, "Virgo light burst!"

The light exploded, banishing the darkness and restoring their vision and clarity to them again.

"Where'd she go?" Officer Taurus asked, looking around.

"She must be on her way to destroy the city," Scorpio said, "Let's get her!"

The girls raced down the street on the hunt for Vampyra.

"There she is!" Aquarius said, pointing towards the power plant, "She must be trying to destroy the city using the nuclear power plant."

"Not if I can help it!" Taurus shouted, "Taurus bull charge!"

Vampyra jumped out of its path and the force hit the side of the building, crumbling a part of the foundation.

"Do we have to go over the whole shooting blindly thing again?" Aquarius asked.

"Stop right there!" Virgo yelled.

"Okay, you Officers are really getting on my nerves!" Vampyra shouted.

She flew into the air, descending in the middle of them, knocking each of them down with sheer force.The girls flew several feet back, hitting the ground hard.

"She's too strong," Scorpio said, trying to get up.

"We need help," Aquarius added weakly.

"Let's not even try," Taurus said, "Let's just lie here until someone comes to save us!"

"Then lie no more, my fellow Zodiac Officers!"

The girls looked up, "Officer Aries!"

The pretty long-haired blonde jumped down from the car hood, "That's right, I am Officer Aries-"

"Oh brother," Vampyra said, leaning against a car in the parking lot, "Here we go again."

"I will right the wrong of wrongdoers and protect the right of wrongdon'ters.I fight for truth, justice, love, healthy eating habits and good self-esteem and you have just meant your worst nightmare, you Buffy reject!Under the auspice of the First House of the Zodiac, I will bring closure to your villainous ways and deliver justice to those whom you have wronged!"

Vampyra flipped to the next page of her magazine, checking out the new fall line.She looked up, realizing that she didn't hear pretentious talking anymore.

"Oh, are you done?" she asked, tossing the magazine aside.

"With you, yes," Officer Aries said, "I'm about to put the final nail in your coffin!"

"Yes, the vampire insults, clever," Vampyra said dryly, "Well let's see if your bark is worse than my bite!"

She lunged on Officer Aries her teeth sharp for the sucking.Aries leaped out of the way towards her fellow officers.

"Are you guys okay?" she asked them.

"Fine," Scorpio said as they got up, "Now let's dust this witch!"

"I'm a vampire," she reminded them annoyed.

"Whatever," Aries said, "Aquarius, I need a distraction!"

"Okay, well, we could make her think that Yoko Kanno is signing autographs at the store over-" she stopped, "Oh, right, me. Yeah.Aquarius water deluge!"

Suddenly the fire hydrants burst and water rushed out at Vampyra at a great speed, throwing her back.Officer Aries leaped in the air with a Zodiac kick aimed at Vampyra.Somewhere between Aries' foot and Vampyra's face, an obstruction appeared and knocked Aries to the floor.

As the water calmed down she looked up to see a distinguished young man in a suit standing between her and Vampyra, leaning casually on his cane.

"What the hell?!" she exclaimed.

"Three-Piece Suit!" the other Officers exclaimed.

The young man turned around, "Are you alright, Officer Aries?" he asked.

"Yeah fine," she said, getting up rubbing her sore thy, "No thanks to y-"

"That's great," he said, pushing her aside and turning back to Vampyra, "Only a cowardly villain would exploit the radioactive treasure of a nuclear power plant to serve in her deadly plot.How dare you abuse the use of fission, the scientific hopes and dreams of lovers everywhere?!"

"What?" Vampyra said confused.

"Yeah, even I'm not getting that one, Three-Piece Suit," Officer Aries agreed.

"Well, it ends here!" he threw a dandelion at Vampyra, which she easily swiped away and lunged for them.Officer Aries dodged it and Three-Piece Suit grabbed her and pushed her out of the way, causing her to slam into the ground.

"Ow!" she shouted slid against the floor, "Dude, chill out!I was fine."

"I've had enough of you!" Vampyra said, raising her cape.

"The feeling's mutual," Officer Aries said, bringing out her magic baton, "Aries diamond, 

crystal-"

"Officer Aries, now!" Three-Piece Suit prompted.

"Yeah, that's what I was doing," she said annoyed, before starting again, "Aries diamond, crystal, heart, love, happiness, good stuff, honey-"

"Aries!Do it now!" the Zodiac Officers shouted.

"What do you think I'm doing?!" she yelled back.

"What the hell is going on?" Vampyra asked, "You kids really need to get your act together!"

Aries sighed and started over again, "Aries diamond, crystal, heart, love, happiness, good stuff, honey, flowers, long walks on the beach, redemption or destruction, depending on the intent of the target, magic!" she shouted, aiming the baton at Vampyra.

The beam of energy from the baton hit Vampyra disintegrating her into nothing.

"Good job ladies," Three-Piece Suit said, "But never forget that nuclear power doesn't pose a threat unless dumped into our rivers and lakes."

"Uh…ooookay," Scorpio said slowly.

"Thanks Three-Piece Suit…I guess," Aquarius said with uncertainty.

They watched as he left, "I'm not alone in assuming that Three-Piece Suit is gay, right?" Officer Aries asked.

"Definitely not."

"He has to be gay."

"He's such a nice dresser."

"What took you so long?" Scorpio asked Aries.

"I was in the shower," she said, "Sorry guys."

"You're so irresponsible!" Officer Scorpio shouted.

"What's your problem, I'm sorry if I adhere to good hygiene rules," Aries shot back.

"Saving the city is a lot more important that washing your ass!"

"Speaking off asses, how would you like my baton up yours?!"

Officers Aquarius, Taurus and Virgo all sweatdropped in embarrassment.

"They what?!"

"They defeated Vampyra," Egor said timidly.

"Yes, I heard you the first time idiot, it's just a thing we villains do."

"Oh, right," Egor said sitting down, "So what should we do now?"

He leaned over, resting his elbows on his desk, "I have a plan that will not only destroy the world but those miserable Zodiac Officers as well."

"If you do, why didn't you use it before?" Egor asked.

"Do you want to do this?" he asked annoyed, "It's not easy, you know!You think you could do a better job, is that it?!"

Egor looked down in fear, "No Mr. Mayor, you are the best!"

"That's right," he said, rising from his chair, "Those Officers will learn not to screw with Mayor Logy!Muwahahahahahahahaha!!"

"Can I laugh too, sir?" Egor asked.

"Fine," he said reluctantly, "But at a lower decibel than my laugh."

"Thank you sir.Muwahahahahahaha!"

"And without the 'muwa'!"

"Sorry.Hahahahahaha!"


	2. What Seems to be the Problem, Officer Ca...

Chapter 2: What Seems to Be the Problem, Officer Capricorn

I did the first one on a whim cuz I was bored but I guess I have to follow it up "Sailor Moon" style and bring in yet more Officers.Oy vay!Anyhoo, FYI, this is a parody, _not_ a rip-off.There is a difference between the two.Enjoy.

Chapter 2: What Seems to Be the Problem, Officer Capricorn?

"This carnival for the Mayor was a great idea," Jodi White said, "It's a great way to raise money for the library."

"I don't see why they need to raise money," Placid Green said, "You're the only one who goes there anymore."

"Let's go to the funhouse first," Allison Gray added, walking in front of them, "I want to look at myself from many different mirrors."

"How is that any different from what you do at home, Ali?" Charlotte Black remarked, "I want to go through the love boat ride first."

"You don't have a boyfriend, Charlie, so who are you going in with?" Placid asked sardonically.

"Aaron," she said, pointing to the handsome young man standing near the ring toss booth.She ran up to him and grabbed his arm, "Aaron, do you want to take the love boat ride with me?"

"Uh…not really," he said uncomfortably, trying to squirm out of his grasp.

"Great, come on!" she said, dragging him off.

The girls shook their heads smiling.

"So when's Nina getting out of jail?" Jodi asked.

Allison shrugged, "I'm not sure, she's a repeat offender so they might really throw the book at her this time."

Placid shook her head sadly, "What was she thinking, setting fire to that orphanage?"

"You know Nina," Jodi said, "She's always doing something wild and crazy."

Placid turned around and her eyes grew wide, "Uh…guys, come on, we'd better get going if we want to get to that funhouse!"

"Yo, Placid!Wait up!" a shrill high-pitched voice yelled, "Mom said you had to wait for me!"

Placid sighed, "Oh great."

Her little sister, Rae-Ann Green ran up to them, "Were you trying to lose me?"

"Yes, obviously it didn't work."

"Hey there," Jodi said, leaning down to Rae-Ann, "How are you?"

"What's up, girlfriend," Rae-Ann said, doing a series of complicated ghetto handshakes with her, "Just chillin' and illin' up in here."

"Uh…right," Jodi said, getting up, "So what ride you do want to go on first?"

"I need to hit that water ride, G" Rae-Ann said, "I'm about to tear that shit up!"

"Fine, let's go," Placid said, pushing her sister along, "Just don't waste my time."

"Look at these fools, Egor," Mayor Logy said sinisterly, "Cavorting about like monkeys in the attic on a plate of macaroni and cheese."

"Huh?"

"Shut up," Logy snapped, "These idiots will soon learn the wrath of Mayor Astro Logy!"

"So what's the plan, sir?"

"Oh, you'll see," he said, rubbing his hands together, "You'll see.Hahahaha!"

"Is something wrong, Mr. Mayor?"

Logy and Egor turned around in surprise.

"Uh…what?" he said to the group of young girls.

"Well you're rubbing your hands together and laughing hysterically," Placid said, "Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm fine," he said smiling, "It's just a little cold."

"It's August," Allison said confused.

"Hehe…go away," he said, before walking away quickly.

"Yo, that mayor is wack!" Rae-Ann commented, watching them leave.

"You said it, Rae-Ann," Allison said.

"Yo, I told you to start calling me Rae Dog!"

"Shut up, brat, no one's going to call you that," Placid said, dragging her along, "Now go take your little ride so we can move on."

"You better back up off me, bi-atch!"

"Now, you know what to do," the Mayor said to the dark shadow in the corner.

"I have explicit instructions Mr. Mayor," the voice said in a low dark tone, "I will not fail you."

"You'd better not," he said, "For your sake.You still don't have full health coverage."

"Yes Master," the figure said, bowing, "I will prevail."

With that, it was gone.

"Isn't this great?" Charlotte asked Aaron, latched on to his arm as she snuggled cozily.

"No," he said, trying to pry her off of him, "When can I leave?We've been around this ride three times already?"

"Really, only three?" she asked, innocently, "It seems like we just got on."

Aaron sighed, looking away.

Suddenly the boat rocked as the waves in the shallow pool picked up and splashed them, tossing their small boat to and fro.

"What's going on?" Charlotte asked, panicked.

The same thing was happening to all the other boats.Charlotte heard a ripping sound as she looked down and found that the metal track the boat was on was coming loose.

"Oh no, Aaron," she shouted, "The boat's going off track, we have to jump ship!"

She stood up and dived out, hitting her head on the pool floor.Aaron shook his head and stepped out of the boat, wading out of the tunnel.

"Don't worry, Aaron," Charlotte said, resurfacing, "I'm okay, just a minor concussion."

"Ahh!" she heard a scream coming from outside and rushed out to see what was happening.

She saw Aaron and others in a state of shock as shiny pieces of metal were being lifted out of their pockets and purses.

"My keys!" someone screamed.

"Hey, that has my shopper's club card on it!"

"Give them back!"

Charlotte looked down and saw her own keys leaving her pocket, "Hey!"She tried to grab hold of them but whatever was lifting them away from her was just too strong.

This has got to be the work of the Nether Nether Land!

She quickly ran behind the tunnel, blowing her Zodiac whistle and transformed into Officer Scorpio.

"What's going on?!" Allison screamed.

"Help!" Rae-Ann shouted, lifting off the ground feet first.The metal tips of her shoes pulled her towards whatever force was causing the catastrophe.Placid grabbed her and held her to the ground as her shoes came off her feet, flying towards the whirlwind of keys and other metal objects.

"Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" Jodi asked.

Placid nodded, "I want you to hide in here, Rae-Ann," Placid said, pushing her into a porta-potty.

"Ew, hell no!" she shouted as Placid closed the door on her, "And I told you, my name is Rae-"

"Dolly!" Placid shouted.A white sheep appeared before the girls.

"What is it Placid?"

"Take care of my sister for me," Placid said, pointing to the porta-potty, "Make sure she stays safe."

"No problem," the sheep said, standing in front of it, "You girls better get to it."

"Right," Placid said, blowing her Zodiac whistle as the other two did the same.

"Ha!You silly humans!" Metallica shouted, "Now that I have your keys, what will you do?!"

"Oh no, she has our keys!"

"She can get into our houses!"

"She'll steal my ten-percent discount at the Stop and Shop!"

"You evil witch!"

"Flattery will get you nowhere," she said laughing.She raised her arms and a nearby car lifted into the air, hovering over the innocent citizens.

"Scorpio sting burn!"

As the car dropped on them, it exploded into a million pieces.

"How dare you try to harm the innocent people of this fair city?!" a voice shouted.

A young dark moss-haired girl wearing a red police officer's uniform stepped out of the shadows."I am Officer Scorpio and I will not allow you to hurt these people!" 

"Is that so?" Metallica asked smiling, "Try this on for size?"

She raised her hand and it turned into a giant hammer.Scorpio charged at her and Metallica slammed her with her hammer, tossing Officer Scorpio aside like a used rag doll.

"I thought you Zodiac Officers were supposed to be tough to beat?"

"You've just met the weakest link," a voice yelled, "Now say hello to the rest of the chain!"

Officer Aries and the other two officers jumped off the Ferris wheel.Aries stepped over Scorpio's bruised body.

"Get up, Scorpio, you're making us look bad," she said to her while smiling at Metallica.

"Shut up," Scorpio muttered weakly.

"I am Officer Aries," Aries stated.

"I am Officer Aquarius!"

"I am Officer Virgo!"

"Uh…you've already met Scorpio, I presume," Aries said, "We are the Zodiac Officers, we will fight the good fight because good fights are worth fighting for fairly.And cheaters like you give everyone a bad name.Under the auspice of the First House of the Zodiac, we will bring closure to your villainous ways and deliver justice to those whom you have wronged!Now you'd better change your tune, because I don't like heavy metal.I'm more into pop, and I'm about to pop you one!"

Metallica groaned, "Who writes this crap for you?"

"We make it up ourselves, after school," Virgo said proudly.

"But that's none of your business," Aquarius put in, "We're taking you down Metallica!"

"Someone let me out of here!" Rae-Ann shouted, pounding on the door, "It stinks in here!Placid if you don't let me out I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass…okay, I'll tell Mom, but she'll bust a cap in your ass!"

Dolly shook her head.Such foul language from such a little girl.

"Man," Rae-Ann took a step back, "Let me out!" She kicked the door at the lock and it broke, falling on Dolly.Rae-Ann jumped out, standing on the door.

"Ow!" Dolly shouted.

Rae-Ann looked down, "Oh, my bad!You okay?"

"Fine," Dolly said as Rae-Ann took the door off of her, "What did you think you-Hey, wait a minute!You can see me?"

"Uh…yeah," Rae-Ann said, "Ever since you started hanging out with my sister.Don't ask me what that chicken's doing with a talking sheep, I just smile and nod."

"But if you can see me," Dolly said slowly.She pulled at Rae-Ann's pants.

"Hey, yo, I don't swing that way with animals, G!" she shouted, pushing Dolly's mouth away.

Dolly revealed a small birthmark on Rae-Ann's hip.

"That's the sign of the Capricorn!" Dolly explained.

"Yo, what the dilly-o kid, speak English," Rae-Ann said confused.

"I should say the same to you," Dolly shot back, "Rae-Ann, when's your birthday?"

"January 9th."

"Do you know what this means?" 

"I'm having you arrested for sexual harassment?"

"No!" she shouted, "Quick, reach into my fur."

"Ew, no means no!" Rae-Ann protested.

"Just do it!"

She reached in and pulled out a whistle, "What's this shit?"

"It's your Zodiac whistle," Dolly explained, "Officer Capricorn?"

"Officer who?"

"It's over Metallica!" Officer Aries said, "You better sing a new song before we take it away from you!"

"What?!" Metallica shouted, "You can't take any of my songs without permission!They're copyrighted!Where are my first amendment rights!"she ripped a streetlight out of the ground and threw it at the Officers.The streetlight bent around them, binding them together.

"Ugh, we're trapped!" Aquarius shouted.

"We could really use Taurus right about now!" Officer Scorpio added squirming.

"Who's touching my butt?"

"Now to put an end to you Zodiac geeks," Metallic brought her hands closer together and as she did the metal post squeezed the Officers tighter.

"Capricorn boomerang slice!"

A streak of light sliced through the air, cutting the streetlight and freeing the Officers.

"What?!" Metallica shouted.

"Who's that?"

Officer Capricorn jumped off the roof of the funhouse, "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, Metallica!" she shouted, "Let me drop some science on you metal ass, no one messes with the Zodiac Officers!"

"Rae-Ann?!" Officer Aries exclaimed.

"You mean Rae-Dog?" Virgo asked.

"Come on Officer Aries, move it!" Capricorn yelled.

"Right," Aries said, still looking at the newest Officer in hot pink, "Aries diamond, crystal, heart, love, happiness, good stuff, honey, flowers-" 

She was cut off by a dandelion hitting the Metallica in her metal face.

"Ow!" she shouted, brushing it aside.

"You make me sick Metallica."

"Three-Piece Suit!" the girls shouted.

"That's right," he said, swinging his dapper cane, "What sort of dastardly villain would rob people of their keys, the very symbols of their most inner wishes and desires, the keys to their houses…and their hearts."

"Now that's a stretch," Metallica said, "You'll be the first I get rid of!"His cane lifted out of his hand and struck himin the face.He fell to the floor as the cane came down on him vertically, ready to impale him.

"Not so fast, you tin can!" Officer Aries said, raising her magic baton and twirling it around, "Aries diamond, crystal, heart, love, happiness, good stuff, honey, flowers, long walks on the beach, redemption or destruction, depending on the intent of the target, magic!"The good energy hit Metallica, destroying her and releasing all the keys and other metal objects from her sinister grasp.Three-Piece Suit's cane fell to the fell as he stood up, unharmed.

"Good work Zodiac Officers," Three-Piece Suit said, "And welcome to the group, Officer Capricorn."

"Thanks Three-Piece," Capricorn said smiling, "Good looking out, son."They gave each other pounds.

"Keep it real, Capricorn," Three-Piece Suit advised, "And never forget to keep your keys where they belong," he pointed to her chest, "In you heart."

"Yeah, I don't think that's healthy," Officer Aries said, "Okay, bye Suit, nice talking to ya.Later."

With a wave, he left.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Aries shouted.

"Great work, Officer Capricorn!"

"Good job!"

"You really kicked butt!"

"Way to go, kid!"

"Thanks you guys," Capricorn said, "It was no biggie!"

"You're right about that because there's no way you can be a Zodiac Officer!"

"But Dolly said I was!"

"Dolly!"

The white sheep appeared, "Don't look at me, Officer Aries, Rae-Ann was destined to be a Zodiac Officer.You can't deny that."

"And I'm pretty damn good, if I do say so myself," Capricorn said smugly, "Boo yah!"

"Welcome to the team," Scorpio said, patting Capricorn on the head, "Officer Capricorn.We're glad to have you on board."

"Damn them, damn them!" Mayor Logy shouted, "Those Officers have done it again!"

"I guess you heard about Metallica, huh Mr. Mayor?" Egor said sadly.

"What about Metallica?I was talking about a streetlight at my carnival, they ruined it!"

"You didn't hear?" he asked, "They destroyed her!"

"First the streetlight, now Metallica?!" he shouted, "That's it's!No more Mr. Nice Mayor, I'm going to end those damn Zodiac Officers once and for all!"

"So Rae-Ann is the newest officer, huh?" Nina Brown, also known as Officer Taurus said, "Isn't she a little young.I mean, she's only 8."

"That's what I said," Placid piped up, "And a lot of other things too!"

"Oh stop whining, Placid," Charlotte snapped, "You're just jealous!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

Jodi rolled her eyes as the two fought and turned to Nina, "So Nina, you never told us, how did they let you out of jail?"

She smiled, "My lawyer found some technicality that dismissed all the evidence in my case, I got away with the whole thing scot-free!" she announced happily.

"Uh…that's great, Nina," Allison said dubiously, "Glad to have you back on the streets-er-I mean out of jail.Hehehe," she inched away from her slowly.


	3. Is That a Diamond Heartstone Club in You...

Okay, I didn't write this

Okay, I didn't write this!This sort of tasteless joke is not my style, so please do not hate/flame me!For the record, I won't be writing the Officer Aries series anymore, chika894 will be doing it, she's the anime fan, I just dabble.Anyhoo, it'll still be under my name so as not to be confusing and you can send the reviews to me (or her) and I'll forward them to her.If you enjoy "Scary Movie" type humor then you'll love this next installment.Ciao for now.

-Nikira

Hihi all, chika894 here.Forget everything Nikira said, this is hilarious (at least, I think so).It's not tasteless at all…okay, maybe a little but it's all in good fun and that's what parodies are all about, right?There are some sexual connotations that might not be suitable for younger kids and there is a same-sex relationship in here so if you can't handle it, then you should bail out now…No one?Okay…I hope you like it!!J

Chapter 3: Is That a Diamond Heartstone Club in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy I'm Not Gay? 

** **

"Aquarius water deluge!"

"Virgo light burst!"

"Scorpio sting burn!"

"Taurus bull charge!"

"Capricorn boomerang bind!"

The combined force of the four Officers knocked Katalina down to the ground, and Capricorn's boomerang kept her down, but the feline femme fatale would not be beaten.

"Now Officer Aries!" the five shouted.

"Yeah I know," she sighed, "I've been doing this like everyday for about a year now," she twirled her magic baton, "Ariesdiamond, crystal, heart, love, happiness, good stuff, honey, flowers, long walks on the beach, redemption or destruction, depending on the intent of the target, magic!"

The beam of energy hit Katalina and she screamed in pain but was not destroyed.

"What?"

"But-but that's impossible," Officer Aries stammered, "My Magic Gemstone Baton always works," she said, "Maybe it's defective!"

"Maybe you're defective, Officer Airhead!" Katalina spat, standing up.

"Maybe your mom's defective!" Officer Capricorn shot back.

"Girls what are we going to do?" Scorpio asked, "If the Gemstone Baton can't beat her…"

"We're screwed," Taurus finished.

"Wait!" Aquarius said, "I have an idea!"

Officer Scorpio looked back at Katalina who was still in close pursuit of them.

"Running wasn't the idea I thought you had in mind, Aquarius," Scorpio said as they dodged another Kitty litter bomb.

"Do you have any better ones?" Aquarius asked as they turned the corner.

"Pick up the pace, Officer Molasses," Officer Capricorn shouted, on the back of Aries, "Move it, Placid!"

"Shut up before I accidentally fall on my back, Rae-Ann!" her sister shouted back as they dodged another bomb blast.

They turned another corner and hid behind a dumpster.

"I think we lost her," Aquarius whispered as all went quiet.

"We've got to think of something," Taurus said, "This is the first time Officer Aries' final attack didn't work."

"Could it be?" Virgo asked, "Have the Zodiac Officers finally found an opponent that is…unbeatable?"

"No way," Aries said, standing up, "I won't believe that.We've got to talk to Dolly and Buck."

"Right," Virgo said, "Oh wait…I have badminton practice."

"I think you'd better recognize, girlfriend," Officer Capricorn said, "Badminton practice is the least of your worries right about now.We've got a crazed cat on the loose who wants to tear us all a new one."

"Capricorn's right, Virgo," Scorpio said, "What's more important?Saving the world, not to mention our lives or playing some dumb game?"

"Great shot, Allison!" her fellow teammate said.

"Thanks guys," she said, preparing to serve the shuttlecock again.

She served and hit it over to the other side where it was immediately returned after a few minutes of play, she hit the shuttlecock and it flew out of the gym into the street.

"You hit Ali, you get it," the other player said.

She sighed and ran out to retrieve it.She saw a tall man standing next to it.

"Uh…excuse me sir," she called out.

The man turned around and she realized it was actually a woman with a moustache.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said apologetically, "I thought…"

"Don't worry I get that a lot," the woman said smiling.

"Um…could you get that for me," she said, pointing to the shuttlecock near her feet, "I hit it out when I was playing badminton."

"Sorry, but I don't touch cocks," the woman said, stepping aside.

Allison picked it up, "I haven't seen you around here."

"I just moved here, I'm an exchange student from a school nearby."

"An exchange student?Ooh, from where?Italy?"

"Nooo," the woman said slowly, "My name's Terry."

Allison shook her hand and smiled, "Allison, nice to meet you."

"What are we going to do, Dolly?" Placid complained, "Katalina's running amuck on the city and we can't do anything about it."

"She's like way stronger than us," Charlotte added.

"She must have graduated from the LAPD," Rae-Ann said, "'Cuz she beat our asses down."

"I knew something like this would happen soon," Dolly said solemnly, "Your opponents are getting more powerful."

"That means you girls will have to come into stronger powers to defeat your new enemies," Buck said.

"Well how do we get these new powers?" Nina asked.

"Reach into my wool, Placid," Dolly said.

Placid reached in and pulled out a shining jeweled pink billy club.

"This is the Diamond Heartstone," Dolly said, "We wanted to give it to you when you were ready.There's no time like the present.You'll need this if you want to defeat Katalina."

"What about the rest of us?" Charlotte asked.

"Oh, the rest of you will have to prove something in order for you to get your new powers," Buck said.

"What?!"

"That's wack!" Rae-Ann exclaimed, "We have to earn ours while Placid gets hers handed to her?!"

"Just another perk of being the leader," Placid said smugly, "Suckers!"

"Suck this!" Rae-Ann said leaping on her.

"Rae-Dog!"

"Placid!"

"No you can't use the Diamond Heartstone on your sister, Placid!" Buck shouted.

Dolly shook her head._I hope these girls are ready for the fight to come.They'll need all the help they can get._

"Yeah, that'd be really cool!" Allison said excitedly, "I'd love to hang out with you guys."

"Great," Sam said, "Just-"

"Oh," Allison looked down at her backpack as it beeped, "Um…that's my beeping thingie…gotta go.Bye!"

Terry and Sam watched her go, "That was odd," Terry said.

"Well that girl is a little odd anyway," Sam said smoothing out her shoulder-length lavender hair, "You know you can take that moustache off now, Terry."

"I kind of like it," she said, "What do you think, lover?" she winked at Sam.

Sam's face suddenly turned serious as she looked towards the shopping district, "I think we have to go."

"Back for another beating, kitties?" Katalina taunted.

"The only one who's going to get beat is you, Katalina!" Officer Aries shouted, "I am Officer Aries and will right your transgressions and conquer whatever evil plot you throw my way.Under the auspice of the First House of the Zodiac, I will bring closure to your villainous ways and deliver justice to those whom you have wronged!"

"Oh perfect," Katalina purred rolling her eyes, "Just what I need.Another speech."

"Enough talking," Officer Scorpio shouted, "Let's take this cat back to the pound!"

Before the Zodiac Officers could act, Katalina swiftly kicked them all back.They fell to the ground, landing on top of each other.

"Whose foot is in my eye?"

"Get your hand out of my nose!"

"My head is in a really uncomfortable position!"

"Hey girls!" Officer Virgo called, walking up next to Katalina, "So where's that milk-drinking monster we have to-"

Katalina punched her in the face and she landed on the pile of the other Zodiac Officers.

"Nice going there, Virgo," Scorpio spat sarcastically.

"Ow," Virgo groaned, "My butt."

"Everyone get up!" Officer Taurus shouted.

"Don't bother," Katalina said, throwing a litter bomb at them.

The girls screamed as they flew in different directions, the bomb taking a severe blow on them.

Officer Aries struggled to get up, "That's it," she said weakly, pulling out her Diamond Heartstone club.

"Ooh, the Diamond Heartstone," Katalina cooed, "My Master would love this."She pounced on Officer Aries, kicking her and taking the club away."I wonder how you ended up with it."

"Hey!" Aries shouted, "Give that back!"

"Yeah, that's going to work," Officer Capricorn said, rolling her eyes, "Ask and ye shall receive."

"With the Diamond Heartstone club in my possession, you girls are done for," Katalina said.

"All you had to do was hold it and say a few words," Scorpio said to Aries, shaking her head, "You didn't even have to earn it and yet you still screw it up!"

"And now to finish you Zodiac brats off!"

"Leo lion's glare!" 

An intense beam of light struck Katalina in the back, causing the Hearstone club to fall out of her hands.Officer Aries snatched it up.

Katalina fell to her knees, "Ahh, what was that?!"

"Sagittarius love pierce!" 

The arrow went through Katalina and she fell down, lying motionless.

"What was that?"

"Yeah, someone just gave Katalina the tore up from the floor up," Officer Capricorn commented.

Two girls, one in a gold Zodiac uniform and the other in light blue jumped down from the tree they were on.

"We can handle it from here," the one in gold said, "We're going to eat that pussy up and spit her out!"

"Who are you two?" Officer Aries asked.

"I am Officer Leo," the one in gold said, "And this is Officer Sagittarius, my lover."

"Oh, okay," Aries said, "Well-"

"Do you have a problem with the fact that we're lovers?!" Leo shouted, "Are you uncomfortable because we're lesbians?!"

"No, I just didn't know who you were that's all."

"Sure, I bet," Leo said angrily, "Well you six just stay out of our way, Katalina is way too strong for you."

"Hey, we were doing just fine on our own!" Officer Scorpio shot back.

"We could tell by the way you were all on the floor with the Diamond Heartstone club in Katalina's hands," Officer Sagittarius said.

"That was a minor setback!" Taurus shouted.

"Come on, gang, chill out," Aries said, "Thanks for your help Leo and Sagittarius, but we can all work together.You guys-"

"Oh so we're guys now, why?Because we're lesbians," Leo shouted.

"No, I-"

"I've met your type before Aries, you're a bigot!" Leo accused.

"What?!" Aries said in shock.

"Oh Aries, why?" Sagittarius said sadly.

"Really Aries, it's the 21st century, times have changed," Aquarius said.

"Free your mind, girlfriend," Capricorn added, "We can't all live in your cookie-cutter lifestyle.Ya heard?"

"I am not a bigot!" Aries shouted angrily, "You're just being dramatic, Officer Leo!"

"Right, because all us 'lesbos' are drama queens," Leo asked, "Is that the stereotype you carry around?While you call us dykes behind our backs."

"What?!I don't even know you, I would never say that!"

"Maybe if you got to know us, Officer Aries," Sagittarius said, "We're all the same on the inside, no matter how we live our lives."

"Don't waste your breath on her, lover," Leo said testily, "People like her never change!"

"But-" Aries attempted to protest.

"Hey, ladies, come on," Virgo said, getting in between them, "Sure we have our differences.We say dick, you say dyke, let's call the whole thing off, you know?"

"Testify sister!" Capricorn shouted, throwing her hands in the air.

"So Officer Aries is a gay bashing bigot, we shouldn't love her any less, just give her time to change her narrow-minded views."

"I am not a gay bashing bigot!" Aries yelled.

"Hey, you don't have to be ashamed, Aries," Virgo said, patting her shoulder, "It's how you were raised."

"So that's why you never watch 'Will & Grace'!" Officer Capricorn said.

"It's on the same time as 'Charmed'!"

"As much as we would all like to work out your issues of hatred and tolerance," Virgo continued, "I'd like to all call your attention to Katalina who is getting away."

"Hold it right there, Katalina!" Aquarius shouted as the cat woman tried to escape, "Taurus, back me up.Aquarius water deluge!"

"Taurus bull charge!"

The double assault weakened Katalina, "I hate being wet!" she shouted.

"Hold her, Capricorn!"

"On it," the little girl shouted, "Capricorn boomerang bind!"

The boomerang elongated until it surrounded Katalina, holding her tight.

"Sagittarius arrow pierce!"

"Now Officer Aries!" Sagittarius said, "Put aside your hatred for us and help defeat this evil."

"I am not-Oh whatever," she whipped out her club, "Diamond heart, power, light, goodness, sugar, spice, everything nice, pink, roses, sunshine, perfect weather, music, dream, crystal stone action!"

The powerful light shone from the Diamond Heartstone club and eradicated Katalina.

"Nice," Aries said, twirling the club around before putting it back on her belt at her hip.

"We work really well together," Officer Scorpio said, "You two will make a great addition to the team."

"Sorry kid," Leo said, "But Sagittarius and I work alone."

"But-"

Leo and Sagittarius walked away, disappearing into the city sky line.

"For the record, I am a very tolerant person!" Aries screamed after them.

"Shut up, Officer Loudmouth!" Scorpio yelled.

"Those idiots have the famous Diamond Heartstone!" Mayor Logy shouted.

"Yes, sir," Egor said, "What should we do?"

"Oh, I'll tell you what we'll do," the Mayor said, leaning on his fingers, "We'll put an end to the Zodiac pack for good."

"And they're really cool, they go to college and they drive cars and-"

"Whoa, calm down, Allison," Charlotte said, "These new friends of yours sound too good to be true."

"They are, they're awesome!" she gushed, "I can't wait for you to meet them…Oh, here they are!"

The girls turned to see the woman wearing the moustache and the shorter one with lavender hair walking towards their table.

Allison waved them over, "Terry, Sam!Over here!"

"Hey…" Placid said slowly, looking at the two girls, "Wait a minute…Don't Terry and Sam look a lot like Officers Leo and Sagittarius?"

"But Officers Leo and Sagittarius are girls," Nina pointed out, "Terry's a guy."

"What?No she's not, she's just a girl wearing a moustache," Placid said.

"What are you crazy?!" Jodi said, "He's obviously a guy."

"She is!And she's Officer Leo too!" Placid insisted.

"Right Placid," Charlotte said, "Because all gay people look alike right?Get over it."

"But-but-but-?" she sighed and leaned back in her chair.Some days it was just better to keep her mouth shut.Maybe she'd go home and hang out with her mom and Rae-Ann and watch some "Will & Grace".


End file.
